Long gone are the days of appliances and equipment lasting years. You have fridges that once lasted very long and needed parts replaced. Now the part replacement is the cost of purchasing a new fridge. Creating a lot of waste and unnecessary energy waste. How can we logically justify all that energy wasted to create a new fridge and time spent working to earn that money to purchase that new fridge when the price of producing that fridge part technically should cost less to produce and wastes less energy?
Even with cameras – I’ve purchased Leica cameras because of the manual option with shutter dials and aperture. My Leica M8 is a 20 year old camera but works fine. It has a nice image film-like rendering. I bought it second hand due to the pricing of these cameras. Spending $5k or $11k is not feasible for me. For a camera that is 20 years, you now have a hard time finding a battery that works for it or has the same battery life the original batteries had. Finding an OEM battery is difficult; you’re not sure if it will good enough or if it will damage the camera further. It’s such a double edge sword.
After a while Leica moved onto the path of switching from camera having the ability to accept OEM batteries to cameras that were limited to Leica only produced batteries. These batteries have a chip in them preventing them from being produced by others. When these batteries are no longer produced, what is the camera owner to do once their batteries have died completely? Is it fair for a manufacturer to force batteries or equipment or parts to be proprietary and prevent the consumer from using their product? Why are we producing more waste in this world?
Even with vehicles – why are car manufacturers now dictating that your vehicle car basics are subscription based? If you spend $40k on a vehicle with a radio, android auto, heated seats – how is it ok to shut off those features after 2 years? You paid for those services in your car. If you didn’t want those, you could have gone for a trim level below. In a world where you think you’re supposed to progress as humans, you expect safety features to be standard. Like seat belts, and turning signals, heated mirrors, etc. Are we going to remove those safety features and expect consumers to pay for them as well? We can look at the case of Boeing – how many of their planes suddenly plummeted downward resulting in crashes, killing many people? What countries were impacted by this? What countries were not impacted? Why were some safety features available but not others? Because it came down to cost? Is this the direction we’re headed?
If companies care about safety, health and environmental sustainability – they would truly buy into these systems. Looking at Leica’s sustainability statement, with how they’ve proceeded with their M-series camera batteries, this does not ring true:
“Leica stands for visual enjoyment and lasting value. Our approach and unique technical expertise make our optical instruments ideal companions, offering the highest possible reliability and durability…”
Seeing those mounds of clothing in Ghana beaches because companies think it’s ok to “donate” this clothing somewhere when they’ve had enough of it is pretty shitty to do.
Organizations need to really commit to sustainability because this is getting way out of hand. How do we hold them accountable?
I’ve been trying to explain autistic burnout to my mom. I now avoid using the word autism. I’ve explained to her that things trigger me. The trigger at the gym. The voices, the sounds. This stemming from the doctor’s appointment.
I spoke about circling on the roundabout for 30 minutes. How police was called. I can’t exactly remember how the convo went around this but it was less traumatic than with my partner. She in some sense understood but also didn’t. She said she thought I was stronger than her psychologically but apparently not. She told me to not to do this in the future, that the police will have marked me in some sense. I hope not in a negative manner. I understand I as a “white” person was treated differently (and others who are marginalized) would have been treated much more negatively. (I don’t know why I have such a hard time identifying as a “white” person…*)
I do believe we need to educate our police force on autistic meltdowns. Though I now worry that individuals who are not ND could use this as an excuse to perform shitty things and use the autism card. I’ve seen this in the HSE world where someone has used the safety card. Then we get into the whole topic of status cards and disability statuses. It gets complex. Visible and invisible disabilities or differences or needs.
Being at my mom’s was difficult. She would talk and this would just trigger me more. I have to ask her to speak more softly, more quietly, more calmly. I’m not sure if this is something to do with getting more triggered? Looks like AI does state that it impacts you:
Loud speaking can be painful
Speed of the speech creates a backlog of info
Emotive speech can cause you to mirror that speech in your head as a hyper-empath… I feel that so much; I can feel it while driving and it’s frustrating
Rhythm, speed and intonation of speed – is a lot to process
Sounds like it does lead to a meltdown – a system reset – too much at once, and you can’t handle it all.
I’ve tried to steer the speed and emotive speech when I’m finding I’m getting overstimulated. I need to communicate this to her. I just didn’t understand it at the moment – completely. But subconsciously I’ve tried to to steer the speed of convos in the past. Noticed this is something EC would bring up from her experience. Trying to slow down the speed of speech.
* Thinking more about the topic of identity and not feeling a strong presence around identifying as “white”… I don’t like it. I don’t want to be categorizing people based on skin colour or their stereotypes. You also have the historical aspect of “WASPs” oppression BIPOC. But you also had WASPs oppressing other ethnicities like Italians, Greeks, Ukrainians, Romanians… people who were generally not English. You had Ukrainians trauma bonding with Indigenous People, creating special relationships. You had Taras Shevchenko bonding with Ira Aldridge over slavery and serfdom. Like I have a hard time identifying with “white”. Maybe growing up in Toronto, you’re used to diversity. Having family members surprised by differences in ethnicities might have made them stop and look on with curiousity? My mom has told a story about my grandma seeing a Black Person for the first time and being confused and curious. I don’t know if that’s really the wording to use here because I truly don’t know how to explain how she truly processed that experience coming from a country or a place in the world where diversity was based on just religion, ethnicity and hair and eye attributes… maybe some skin complexions varying slightly but not significantly as you would observe in a diverse city like Toronto. I think that might be another post to further talk about.
I also think about parents with adopted children or children with different skin colour or ethnicity. How do you make that child feel accepted or feel like they truly have experienced their culture. That’s one thing I struggle with. If you adopt a child of another ethnicity – how do you support them in bringing them up in a culture they are biologically tied to. I’ve read articles of people feeling upset that they weren’t raised in the culture that they were biologically tied to and were in some sense upset with their adoptive parents. Raising a kid can get so complex. Like how do you not pressure them into an extracurricular but also want them to experience a culture or tradition you think is important? And how do you ensure that kid is not upset with the decisions made? I got frustrated with Ukrainian dancing after a certain point because it felt like a clique. There’s so much to unpack on this topic – i.e., parents not looking like their biracial child and others making crazy assumptions.
Reflecting on Quebec’s law around banning religious head coverings feels very hurtful. Not that I am personally impacted, but I understand that Muslim women see this a part of their identity. Forcing them to remove their head coverings is …unjust.
I’ve had friends who didn’t wear head coverings – and this was a choice they made at that moment. But they also made the decision to wear hijabs later in life. Other friends didn’t understand this and scrutinized them for it. It was kind of upsetting when you see a friend not supporting their friend’s decisions or beliefs. If you don’t understand, ask why. But ultimately they don’t owe you an answer. But going the route of assumptions and forceful opinions on a person and their decision just creates further division in society… and intolerance of differences.
There are Sikhs who decide to cut their hair. There are Sikhs who don’t cut their hair. That’s their decision.
There may be things in Holy Books that are considered a sin or haram but for others it might not. Just like the numbers 13 and 4 are seen as unlucky or mean death. If people want to believe in these things, let them but also be understanding that things in other cultures are different and that’s fine. We learn so much from each other on cultural differences.
Even with Halloween – European cultures find it so obscure and a devil’s event. I’ve heard my mom countlessly talk about it being a devil’s holiday. It’s an old school way of looking at it. I’ve recently had someone of Islamic faith have the same opinion. That’s fine. Though, some kids might feel like they want to partake in the holiday because it’s just a time to have fun and dress up. It’s an art form of sorts.
There are so many different religious traditions that have beautiful meanings. Even the Prayer Flags. They promote so much positivity into this world. Even in the Ukrainian culture – pysankas – Ukrainian Easter eggs have pagan undertones… despite paganism being considered to be a no-no amongst Ukrainian Christians. But those pagan symbols are a beautiful pattern or image to look at. We adopt traditions from the past and from each other. It’s how we evolve as humans.
Even with languages they evolve – you see different dialects when people in different regions create new words or slang. I think back to the Ukrainian language – you have regional dialects. Dialects from the first wave of Ukrainians in Canada was very Western Ukraine based. Galician / Halychyna. This dialect remained for 100+ years and when those Ukrainians head back to the motherland, people perceive them as a grandpa speaking. That language was so preserved in a way with English-isms added. Meanwhile formal Ukrainian was created and seen as the standard. Despite dialects still existing in smaller towns. And dialects are seen as less than, which is unfortunate because there are some very interesting words in different dialects. You see this in other cultures. I’ve heard about someone of Italian descent taking Italian language classes and being made fun of for speaking a different dialect than their family.
Going to the doctors and struggling to get paper work put together for workers comp has been difficult. There were other things I wanted to go through but I felt rushed with a timer on board and asked to fill out documentation that I’m technically not allowed to complete. This felt going against what is required.
That resulted in a meltdown on the road and subsequent need to hide under the bed covers and sleep long hours. Not that I wanted to sleep long hours but it just all felt too much. The world feels too much.
Sleeping until 1pm is not how I expected to spend my Saturday. It felt wasted.
My partner doesn’t quite understand the relapse and thinks I’m in a more darker place… or depression.
Is it depression? Maybe. It’s a mixture of burnout and just not sure how to go about things right now. I want to work but I’m also fucked up. How do I know an org will not cause this sort of burnout again? How do I know I won’t be treated like crap again? How do I not get to where I am now again. How do I advocate for myself more and actually have people listening to me? I also hate that people assume crappy things about others. I think back to JR assuming that people with damaged cars = shitty drivers. Damaged vehicles don’t necessarily mean they caused that damage but rather others could have. Just like people and trauma. They’re not inherently messed up but have some sort of CPTSD going on or are rigid based on their brain wiring.
Going to the gym was difficult. Staying in bed to regulate helped. But assumptions about me not wanting to go sucked. It felt like an automatic shut down with sass. I’m not sure where that sass is coming from but it sucks. I’m trying to communicate that burnout but I’m not being heard.
Being at the gym and trying to do my pre-workout treadmill sesh and having someone join next to me and proceed to speak loudly just really tilted me. More than tilted. I can’t explain it. It was too much. I was trying to focus on the workout and hearing someone talk.. it was like hearing news talk radio and getting triggered. I couldn’t manage in that situation and left. I rage quit. It was too much. Being on the weight machines was also not calming. It made me just more angry and caused me to cry. I was just ready to fucking leave this world. I can’t when things get this intense. It was too much.
My partner brushed up against me in a loving way and I still could not calm down. My facial expression hurt her, she felt like I had a dread in my look when I saw her… that she was causing that dread. She wasn’t. She isn’t. I just don’t know how to handle those emotions.
I didn’t have a satisfying workout unfortunately.
My mom ended up calling me back about an issue she was having. Did it calm me a bit? A bit. But I was still messed up.
Trying to have a convo about this with my partner at the gym, opened up some emotions. I understand she is struggling and feels like she’s carrying a weight things right now, financially. She’s worried that if she seeks therapy that will open up other issues and would result in her being off of work… and we can’t have her be off work. I don’t expect her to feel like the breadwinner. We have money saved. The process of getting the EI or WSIB is stupidly complex. They don’t just approve things. EI requires a doctors note but if you want to go the route of WSIB… there’s also another waiting game. Not being with an org since Dec 31… not that you burn through money, but things that attributed to this burnout and ADHD impulsivity really fucked me up. Your executive function doesn’t quite work like you want it to.
Even getting tasks done gets impossible. You want to prioritize but things just get too much. I don’t expect others to understand. If you’ve gone through this, you’ll understand. If you haven’t you won’t understand.
The convo with my partner felt more easing but I’ve asked her to seek that therapy. I think she needs to find those tools to manage her feelings and thoughts. The hurtful things said in the past suck… there are times where I think she’s ready to leave the relationship because of going 0-100 very quickly. Putting on a jacket and ready to go out the door. I don’t know what that means. But it’s also a flashback to my childhood with my parents.
We came to an understanding that things are difficult for the both of us.
Talking about my experience about my health – and not being seen – it sucked because she did admit that it was all in my head. Not sure if she sees this now? I think this is why I had a hard time believing she had health issues. Because I wasn’t seen, so I thought she was not being serious with her health issues. Weird psychological thing…I guess it’s a validation trauma – being gaslit or not believed, so it’s hard to validate her physical reality of issues with her stomach.
Growing up, I had different allergies or sensitivities to things – some to medication, some to food, other times it was chemicals like detergents. A prominent one was dairy. I couldn’t have certain yogurts, otherwise it would result in a stomach ache. We ended up doing an allergy sensitivity test. I’m not really sure how it worked. It was with some metal stick that they touch your skin (typically your hand) with. Years later it was through a blood test testing antibodies against different sensitivities. It was typical for milk to be an issue. Other times it was cane sugar. More recently I had an arm prick test done on my skin and it turned out I had a cat allergy. Though, I learned that your allergies do change every 10 years.
There was a period where I stopped having milk and switched over to goat milk. Over the years, I stopped having goat milk and switched over to almond milk (typically chocolate almond milk), to a mix of rice milk, soy milk and oat milk. If I could have regular milk, I’d go for it but I don’t trust my stomach.
The stomach issues just got worse after grade 6 or 7. I guess puberty?
There was a period where I wouldn’t eat breakfast because I was worried it would upset my stomach. This went on for a while. I truly don’t know how many years I didn’t eat breakfast. There were moments where I’d have dinner before an after school practice and have tea with sugar and for whatever reason this would somehow trigger an upset stomach. I’m not sure if it was the stress of getting to practice on time and sitting in traffic? This was the same case with being driven to high school – even though it was a 2-3 km distance to school, having breakfast somehow affected my stomach. The stress of getting there on time and not getting into trouble from the teachers for being late.
I’m not sure how this changed over the years but it somehow stabilized. I tried not to care about getting somewhere late. I think it really took a long time to not care or be worried. I felt like it was going to screw me up if I kept staying in that state of stomach irritability. I remember being at the ER with my best friend and his mom and overhearing a patient talk about getting stomach ulcers because of the stress of driving in the city. I do hope he’s ok… I can relate to sitting in GTA traffic and impacting your stomach. It’s hard. Toronto traffic is difficult to sit through.
Being on the road with a stomach that was no bueno. For the most part, I was able to control the issue. But there were times where it was difficult to manage. Trying to find a washroom in the city when you’re not at a project site is difficult. I think I was able to manage based on what I ate. But if I ate comfort food, there was that possibility of it messing me up. You learned to avoid certain things like Teriyaki Express or the Egg Sausage Sandwich from Starbucks. Not sure why those things triggered an upset stomach.
During a company training, they asked what kind of food restrictions we had. I indicated non-dairy. At a comment a colleague made about who ordered the non-dairy food… it kinda singles you out and makes you feel “othered” and not really wanting to be that person for ordering that food. In other instances, you have no idea what you’re getting if you get “other food”. Will it be as good? Seeing vegetarian food on flights looked pretty depressing. Like it didn’t look great and seeing the person trying to eat it… they struggled with the quality. Getting vegan food at sports venues is hit or miss. Sometimes it’s good, other times not so much. You have no idea how long it’s been sitting there. Is it still good? I like to go the vegan route just to switch things up. Red meat can be heavy on your stomach. Vegan alternatives can be easier to digest. I’ve had great vegan food within the city and you wouldn’t consider it to be not flavourful or difficult to consume due to texture. It depends on the restaurant. I’ve had terrible chicken Pad Thai in Florida – the chicken was dried out.
I remember having some tasty Chinese food in Lviv back in 2016, but hell that wrecked my stomach. I’m not sure if it was the oil or what but my stomach didn’t handle that well. That was the only place that impacted me negatively while travelling to Ukraine that year.
Other times it can be just food handling practices – has a sauce been stored outside of the required temperature? Two instances involving hoisin sauce. Once at YVR airport – an asian noodle restaurant that had reviews of food poisoning. I think I left a review but I must have deleted it thinking my employer would disapprove of negative feedback. What commenced 30 minutes before boarding was torture. The following hour or so was additional torture. Not being able to go to the washroom on a flight until you can unbuckle yourself from the seat was extremely difficult. Being able to do so was in some sense relieving but the entire flight was torture. I think I made countless trips to the lavatory. At one point I think I was about to throw up on the flight. Just when I thought this was going to end when I landed… this continued at home. Both ends. We’ll keep it at that.
I think I ended up taking the day off. My boss encouraged to hydrate and eat bananas and rice or carbs or something along those lines. I can’t remember now. But it was messed up. It irritated my innards where you’re now seeing blood and you start wondering, am I alright? There were other moments where my stomach was not ok. I had Vietnamese food from a local restaurant… again with hoisin sauce just sitting out in the open. My partner was ok (she has a stomach made of steel) while I BARELY made it home…. and it’s just a 15 minute drive.
Around this time, dealing with the stress at work from the local team and this food poisoning episode, my body was not dealing well. I lost count of how many times I went to the walk-in clinic. I didn’t have a family doctor around this time period. I remember seeing an article about younger people having more cases of colorectal cancer and this further made me question if this is the case. There was nausea and being unable to eat. Losing my appetite during lunch and dinner. I couldn’t figure it out. There was also the dry eyes that I couldn’t explain. My coffee tasting salty and I had no idea why.
After numerous walk-in clinic visits, I ended up having a colonscopy that came back fine.
I had numerous visits to the ER with a kidney stone in May 2023. Most excruciating pain ever.
Thinking about the past – I had maybe three instances likely related to stress resulting in ER visits – once when navigating through a turbulent relationship feeling pain in my abdomen. This resulted in ultrasounds and a pelvic exam. The pelvic exam did not feel like it was done in a respectful manner and was forceful. Almost like to punish me? The other two felt like they were impacting my chest (causing chest pain) and the other felt like high blood pressure (resulting in neck pain). With the neck pain, this was during COVID where people were coming in by ambulance and refusing to wear masks. Based on this observation, I ended up walking out of the ER. The pain still remained until the following morning. On a positive note, the staff did call back to check to see if I was ok and why I had left.
Even in university when I would consume coffee, I’d have tight chest feelings and would impact how I felt. Doctors at the ER wouldn’t have an answer on this.
I think dealing with these health issues in 2023 was difficult. When it happened so often, I guess my partner just saw it as a redundancy and not something I was dealing with. Not seeing it as something I was struggling with; so I didn’t feel seen which sucked. Having them further unravel in 2024 was much harder.
Even now my stomach is struggling during certain moments. Some foods impact me differently. I can’t figure out what I can or cannot have. I have to be very selective on what I eat. Sometimes I feel like meat is too heavy for my stomach to digest. Sometimes I think beer is easier to help with digestion. I’m not sure if that’s a folks tale? Maybe. But I think the bitterness helps like Piołun herbata – Wormwood tea.
The energy levels is a different story. I remember this being an issue in high school and not understanding why. This came and went during 10 years at the first org; I think my sleeping patterns were terrible at this point. I didn’t get the right sleep during this time period. Same with the 2nd org but I think I got ok sleep levels during this time but was more of a night owl. The energy levels really struggled at the 3rd org.
There were moments where I think my vitamin B12 levels were low due to drinking a lot of coffee. So I would stop drinking coffee. But this also impacted my focus. But without knowing it chewing gum aggressively helped.
Even with anxiety I tried to supplement in 2022 with CBD gummies and this felt like it impacted my vitamin B12 levels. Why? The side of my mouth was cracking – a typical symptom I got when my levels were low. Did the CBD gummies help? To some extent. Until they didn’t because of the mouth cracking, so I had to stop.
It has been a vicious cycle trying to figure out how to manage my stress levels. Try to not care about things like traffic and getting on time… but that wasn’t enough of a strategy. When people know my Kryptonite, this sucks. I go into autistic meltdown. And this results in some form of burnout. Might need to hide under the covers and not eat food that is triggering to my stressed stomach. This is hard to figure out.
Trying to navigate all of this with family stuff also adds to the stress (being gay, not living up to family expectations, not taking care of them or not living with them, not attending family functions because you’re trying to conserve your energy levels, not trying to have family opinions impact you… it’s a lot). But within a workforce where you’re under a microscope and told one thing but see another thing, this definitely impacts you.
Ok, vse. Ne znayu shcho bilshe skazaty. Za bahato tysku y vsim.
Why is it that we talk about women coming so far in the workforce but yet we really haven’t. Are women truly treated the same as their male counterparts? When you see a female CFO with 8 years experience in a company have less perks than a male Finance Director – like a car and commuting to work by an Uber. How is this equitable?
Women in general are treated less than by males or are mansplained to.
Interestingly, or sadly, 42-44% of women experience harassment in the workplace in Canada and the US. Furthermore, 58% women with disabilities and 91% of women in trades report harassment in the workplace. We push women to go into construction but cannot treat them in a respectful manner. Organizations can’t even provide the basics like toilet paper and soap in washrooms. Friends refuse to use washroom facilities at construction sites. They go to the nearest coffee shop. We’re spoken to like children and questioned if we truly know what we are doing. I’ve even had my childhood friend, an architect, mention that there is discrimination in the architecture field. Women are more likely to be pigeon holed into office work rather than site supervision or project management, giving them less diversification of project exposure and are less likely to get their architecture licenses.
The gender pay gap also remains – Women make 85-88¢ for every $1, and this much significant for Women of Colour – 74-78¢ for every $1.
Women in C-Suite roles remain typically below 40%. Though I’ve seen as low as 30% in Canada and much less in the US.
Looks like there is a much higher rate of burnout amongst Senior Level women vs men – 60% vs 50%.
You try to state this and people (typically men) still try to refute this by saying it’s illegal and how can it be that women are treated less or paid less? We may have things written on paper, but is it actualized or is it still a theory and employers aren’t truly supporting women?
I remember seeing a pay stub of a male who did a role after a female was moved from that role. From my understanding, this individual did make more than the female. This male’s experience was not as the high standard the female had implemented. While their manager demoted the female and attempted to further reduce her pay. If this isn’t sexism, I’m not sure what is. I really didn’t want to speak to anyone about this because the information provided is confidential and puts me into a difficult place. However, these are simple facts of the reality of this department and organization. Men will attempt to suppress females who have the potential to do great things.
The Atlantic had an article about gaps in relationships… or rather differences. Reading the comments section, many focused on age being a gap – for some reason this was the only difference they only saw.
You can find gaps or differences in relationships on many different levels. This can include:
education level
race
style/individualism
music preferences
hobbies
political beliefs
ethnicity
nationality
job positioning (white collar vs blue collar)
employment status
financial
intelligence
health – active lifestyle, alcohol, drug use
religion
Seeing how Canada can be very diverse – I’ve seen couples who have differing job positioning (white collar vs blue collar) and they make it work, financial status – you see who get into relationships with older people who pay for their companionship (sugar mamas and sugar daddies) – this can be oftenly seen in the gay community at bars. You can find interracial relationships (and I kind of smile when I see this, because it feels like we’ve come such a long way for this to be embraced… though I know there are still people who disapprove of this).
I’ve seen high school couples with varying music preferences and styles which was pretty interesting to see from a sociological perspective.
Even with religion you see this across the world with varying couples of religions and they somehow make it work. I think back to my mom and she talked about having SO’s who were primarily of the same religion just a different denomination (Orthodox Christian vs Ukrainian Catholic) and ending those relationships because of a minor difference. Having an SO who was Jewish was kind of a no-no as well. But it’s not something I even wanted to make aware to anyone because why give that heartache to that SO at the time.
My dad would talk about how he would disown me if I brought home a Black bf… this is a very common belief in many EE families and Greek (from conversations I’ve had with a manager). It’s odd because he did say he found Black Women attractive, so why the double standard? Making those sort of comments just perpetuates racism. I think I’m lucky that I didn’t share that same opinion as my parents. Is lucky the word I’m looking to use here? I’m not sure. Like I hope I don’t hold biases towards BIPOC people. I don’t think we should be treating people different from us any different (directly) nor should we systemically (including through healthcare) treat them less than or differently.
Parent’s beliefs are so BS. Even with stringency around ethnicity – seeing kids getting scrutinized for not dating or marrying a partner that is of the same ethnicity as them is so archaic. The heart break of disowning your child because they’re dating someone who is not of your ethnicity is so garbage. They were treated like they were gay… and for what? Turning their siblings against them? Why?
Even with my parents – being of differing ethnicities is chaotic because of historical conflicts. There’s also irony because my Polish father also had a Ukrainian grandmother but sided with the more dominant ethnic background – Polish. While my Ukrainian mom’s family was deported at gun point by the Soviet Polish army and experienced xenophobia. It’s paradoxical. My mom always said it’s difficult being in a relationship where there are differences because they will come up during arguments. If you truly love that person, those differences shouldn’t be an issue. For me, I’ve never used my partner’s ancestry or any sort of difference against her during an argument. That shouldn’t be weaponized. You accept them fully as they are.
Did I use an age difference against a past partner? I did at the end of the relationship realizing that maybe age was an obstacle. It could have also been their rigidness. This person did also get frustrated with my opinions around my experience and thought I tried to use it against her? I don’t think it was ego but rather experience from life and knowledge? I can’t remember the exact examples now. I don’t think what I said was anything non-factual.
One thing I think I sometimes struggle with is being factual when my partner is looking to me to be supportive. This might have been something that came up in that 2nd relationship and my relationship with AL.
I know friends who have struggled with intelligence level differences. Though you can also connect on other levels when intelligence levels vary.
From a financial difference standpoint – I think you need to be very strong in that decision and agreement of making it work. Remove any sort of egos. I feel like creating pre-nups removes that trust. I know some might feel they need to protect themselves but if you’re truly in love with a person who you know you can make this work… a pre-nup would be kind of a slap in the face. But that’s just my opinion. Money wasn’t an issue with AL and I. I trusted her. I still trust her. I hope she trusts me. Her making less than me was never an issue for me. I always saw it as a partnership. I always tried to coach her that we’re in different stages of our careers but it doesn’t matter. If need be, I’ll take on more of the costs if need be to make it more equitable. There was a point where she was paying less for rent than I was… and I was ok with that because I wanted her here by my side. I also wanted to make sure she had enough money she could save up. Seeing her grow in her roles over the last 6 years has been amazing to see. I know she’s a very talented, intelligent person who can excel at anything she does. What bothers me is that organizations will limit her because of her unfinished degree. A degree doesn’t truly state if a person is capable of excelling in their career.
Without her, I don’t think I’d be where I am. Being that support person who had my back during interviews and cheered me on. My financial and professional success is also intertwined with her support. She gets that credit in being there along the way.
I’ve had friends marry differing family financial backgrounds and this didn’t seem to be an issue. Does this impact their relationship? I don’t think so? Maybe their other differences in opinions on parenting?
With respect to food and health lifestyles – this might get tricky – unless both people know how to cook for each other. I’m sure there are partners out there that are vegetarian or vegan while others are not and still make it work. There are couples with differing body sizes and activity level that make it work as well.
I’m sure there are more differences you can touch on but I’ll just leave it at that here.
Growing up, I was the only kid amongst my family. My mom was the first to arrive in Canada between her siblings (after her uncle and his family). She had a bit of a support system with her two brothers and her cousins (my aunts and uncles as we would put it in Ukrainian culture).
My first cousins in Canada didn’t show up ’till much later (when I was 9). I did have second cousins which we did hang out with, but it was more my first cousins that I typically spent more time with or rather with their parents.
My mom was always close with her brothers. One uncle was my fave uncle, the other would parent me. Kind of a bad cop/good cop situation. The good cop uncle was like a friend. When they got married to their respective wives, dynamics did shift. I think my aunts in some form did parent me as well but also schooled me on mistakes I made. One was more strict while the other was more chill. It’s funny. Kind of like a yin yang situation with personalities. I don’t dislike any of them. They’re really amazing people and have taught me a lot. Though sometimes I do have some PTSD with the name Natalka! lol.
On Sundays, when my mom was working, they would take me to church and I’d spend time with them. I remember always grabbing some napoleon ice cream at my godfather’s house or having chocolate chip cookies from president’s choice – “The Decadent”. Those cookies always hit a certain way.
You can say that it takes a village to raise a kid and this was kind of that village with aunts and uncles and cousins – especially when you didn’t have siblings.
Having my cousins show up after 97, was an awesome time. I did bond with my first cousin when she was a baby. With my second cousin – same, but maybe not as much as my first cousin. I think this is kind of like that situation where parents have kids and all that focus is on the first kid with photos – you have a full ass album of the first kid and then half an album of the second kid, lol. IDK. It could be that there was an age gap. With the third and forth cousins, the relationship was less stronger. At one point I kinda just wanted to got to family functions less because they became intense and a lot of work with my social battery.
Thinking about how my mom and her sibling’s relationships started to change… I can understand that she has a sense of duty for her siblings but voicing her opinion can put a toll on her siblings and their spouses. Repeating it won’t change the situation but it might at the same time push the person away further. Saying person A is making this person B not pick up the phone or person A is controlling person B… they are their own person. They have their own thoughts and decisions. How they have set up their life – that is their business. It shouldn’t be something you should control. Yes, your sibling has underlying health conditions but he is his own person and can make his decisions. We don’t know what the circumstances are behind closed doors. We don’t know why someone is not working or why they are a stay at home parent. We only see the surface of this relationship.
Why they might not pick up the phone… does not mean that one person is controlling the situation. I get exhausted with constant phone rings. There was a moment where a teacher said – you know you don’t actually have to pick up the phone, right? It’s a Pavlovian dog situation where you’ve been trained to instantly pick up the phone. We might be doing something, we might be tired and just can’t talk on the phone. Being forced to speak on the phone with a family relative when you’re not feeling it is exhausting.
What my father did as an alcoholic and bitched about family members – was super shitty. Saying garbage about aunts and this garbage making its way across the Atlantic and back… Just shows how toxic this can be within a family and make them feel uncomfortable with talking to you.
I think there’s also a lot of misunderstandings on communication styles – some prefer calls and frequently. Others not so much. This would be a good convo to have if you’re not a person who likes to spend hours on the phone. I’m at a point where I can’t stand being on the phone.
Other misunderstandings within the family sucks… where an aunt just stopped communicating with some family members. You have cousins who had no idea the other existed until they sat at the same table at a wedding. It kind of sucks being in this schism family of sorts. Some talk, some don’t and it doesn’t make sense.
Family getting heavily involved and invested in aunts and uncles lives is not cool. Why someone broke up with their partner and trying to salvage it or change it can make things more difficult for that person. They have their reasons for that break down in the relationship; they don’t owe you why or needing to save it. Having family also forcing ideas on where to live or what they should be doing for a living – that isn’t something you should impose your thoughts on. They made a plan, a decision with their partner. Constantly knocking them for it or pressuring them to change it is so exhausting for everyone. They are their own person with their own life. Constantly imposing your opinions on them will only push them away. You can ask questions to better understand the situation – sure. Seek to understand. If it’s a parent-child situation – see if there could be some sort of compromise in that relationship.
As an adult, whenever I started to see my mom push her thoughts on a family relative, I had to kind of pull her back and ask, is this something they’re ok with? They might have a different parenting style.
If family relatives thought another person was gay because of a break up, makes me wonder what other family members have said about me in gossiping circles lol. Meh.
There was a moment where I decided to switch vehicles (hindsight it was probably for the best to not go through with it but the issues with the current vehicle were frustrating). Going through this process and mentioning it to my mom and uncle resulted in a bit of a blow out. My uncle called me and kept talking and lecturing me – a 31 year old. What did I do? I put my phone down and walked away as he talked to himself. I was frustrated with this whole situation. I couldn’t make my own decisions, I had to be parented at 31. This put a strain on the relationship. Going to the dealership to get an oil change was not a good idea, doing this was a bad idea. Doing that was a bad idea. Ok, so what am I supposed to do? Do this and that, jump when you say jump? I’ve had good experiences at the first dealership. The second dealership? Not great. But that was a lesson.
Being lectured to go to family functions was also kinda shitty. I wasn’t understood when I said I was tired or not feeling great. Getting the whole – you have nothing to be tired with. But also not understanding the constant control aspect of what you should and shouldn’t do.
Yes, what grandma said was listened to and was golden. But you were children and grandma was mom. You’re all adults now, us kids are adults as well and are our own people with differing functioning ways. These differences need to be understood rather than imposing our own ideas on others and expecting people to do what you say or how a household should operate.
We’re all a family – yes – to some extent tight-nit but also have so many differences. Some of us like cycling, some us like tinkering and playing with cars, some of us like medicine, some of us are huge on rock climbing or water sports, some of us like engineering, some of us like music, some of us like soccer, some us like volleyball, some of us like tennis, some of us like running, some of us like farming, some of us like gardening, some of us like art, some of us like photography, some of us like Ukrainian dancing, some of us like hiking, some of us like cooking/baking, some of us like working with our hands, etc. And we might feed off of each other on those hobbies or reach out to one another for advice. But telling each other what to do or not to do just makes things so tiring. Why can’t we just celebrate each other and the strengths we have, not judge people’s decisions.
And stop with the gossiping – have a conversation. Ask questions… in a respectful manner.
Reflecting on life in Ontario – it involved a lot of time up north of Toronto. It’s funny because you say north, but in reality it’s not THAT north. You might be around Barrie which is still below the 49 parallel or Parry Sound and that’s still south of Sudbury. Even getting to Sudbury you haven’t really made it to Northern Ontario. There are parts of Canadian provinces that are much more north. Even Edmonton is much north than these places. But there’s still some different environment when you’re north of Barrie.
That’s the funny thing about Ontario – it’s huge. It takes days to drive through. You have signs reminding you you’re still in Ontario. Whereas driving through AB, SK, MB, you can drive through within a day or less.
Even the most southern point of Ontario is the same height (or parallel) as California.
You’ve got such a diverse ecosystem and climate within one province. Weather systems change in Woodstock. Snow and Lake Effect patterns vary so much from region to region.
I was brought up going to the cottage (not ours unfortunately; but one we rented out). The cottage had a really amazing beach. You grow up on this water, chilling and roasting on a beach lol. Did I once say I’m married to Cawaja Beach? Yeah. lol.
Camping within Ontario was the less expensive way of having a vacation. The provincial park system is well organized with great facilities – washrooms and electrical campsite options. And the car camping sites always felt like you got enough privacy like you’re out there on your own. There’s also the option of camping on Crown Land which is available to people who are able to rough it out in the bush without an actual washroom (not my cup of tea). The cool thing is the provincial parks also have options for yurts and cabins if you’re not up for sleeping in a tent.
Growing up – we just car camped. Sat around a camp fire, roasted sausages, hung out by the lake at the provincial park. Usually it was around the Parry Sound vicinity – Oastler Park, Killbear, Six Mile Lake. I remember hearing them exploding the Canadian Shield to twin the highway. Sometimes you heard the train passing by. These were the parks we kinda stayed in while I was a kid.
Later on in high school we explored a bit more and saw Awenda, Sauble Falls, Pinery, Earl Rowe. Some just didn’t hit as much. Some camping places were privately owned which were ok.
The thing is we never really did actual hiking or rarely. I think the only time I remember hiking was at Killbear and Awenda. But there’s so much to see in these parks than just stay in your camping spot.
The summer before university, we ended up going to Killarney and that place really hit for me. Walking through a hiking trail with my cousin, uncle and dog really sparked the explore bug in me. Being in the environment, you really fall in love with it, wonder about its history and feel so small in the La Cloche Mountains.
I remember a day where my mom and I wanted to go camping but wanted to try another provincial park. Looking through the provincial park brochure, you see these insanely beautiful places – many booked up like Bon Echo; some very far like Sleeping Giant.
We thought about Restoule, but ended up on Grundy Lake. It was quite a beautiful surprise. This was probably the first time my mom and I went on a true hike at a provincial park. We went back to Killarney in the fall and I took her on some more moderate, harder hiking trails like climbing “The Crack”… which was maybe not a great idea but she did great and we both made it back alive.
Heading to Alberta for a wedding, I thought – Hey! Let’s turn this into a camping trip around Alberta – hit some campgrounds around the province. I planned a circle drive around Alberta; booked campgrounds ahead of time and realized we might need to camp inside of a car like a minivan. This was the end of August where temperatures in the GTA were 28C while Alberta were around 10C or colder. It was a nice way to cool off.
We started in Edmonton; rented a minivan, drove down to Dinosaur Provincial Park. I’ve always wanted to see the badlands. We hiked in the badlands and learnt very quickly that the ground is slicker than ice and looks like popcorn. We were surprised to see cactii and Texas Gates. It was kinda cold there at night but it was a beautiful scenery to wake up to. The fact that you can find dinosaur fossils here is wild.
We ended up then driving through Calgary towards Banff and Jasper. We stayed at Johnston Canyon and Wapiti and drove up and down the Trans Canada highway and Highway 93. I’m not sure what we expected from the drive and camping. My mom thought the roads would be narrow, winding and dangerous but this wasn’t the case. You’re in a valley with good/safe roads. Mornings were cold with lows of 2C. We didn’t really prepare well for this camping trip. We were these naive Ontarians used to warm camping. Sleeping in the back of a minivan was not bad – our friends lent a mattress to use. We climbed Tunnel Mountain (a favourite to this day) and hiked Johnston Canyon. We had a day where we explored a bunch of the teal lakes – Bow Lake, Peyto Lake, Moraine Lake, Lake Louise. We went to the toe of a Glacier and it felt like it just rained there.
We stopped by the coffee roaster I had purchased from in the past online – I brought coffee equipment with me (but don’t recommend the collapsible pour over cup, that had a funky smell to it).
Some hiking trails were unfortunately closed off for the season. There were fire bans in some parts of the national parks which sucked but is understandable. Seeing what a wildfire can do is eyeopening – I think back to the Excelsior Wildfire and how it had spread underneath the soil. You really don’t understand the true capability of a wildfire when you can’t see it below the surface. I think there might be a metaphor here for seeing below the surface of an issue. Things may look fine on the surface but beneath the surface a lot more can be going on.
Seeing the fire hazy skies was a different view I’ve had in comparison to Toronto where it’s typically smog. Seeing these hazy yellow skies come to Toronto years later was concerning when other parts of the country had more wildfires – Quebec and Nova Scotia.
Driving within Alberta felt more calming compared to Ontario. Part of it is the population difference but also the less aggressive driving. Did you see tourist drive stupidly? Yes. Saw a car scrape the bottom of their undercarriage against a curb.
Animal interaction is significantly different between Ontario and Alberta. I don’t think I’ve seen people approach wildlife while camping – but I haven’t seen everything so I’m sure there are situations where people do put themselves at risk. Despite the educational pamphlets in Banff/Jasper about elk… you still see many tourists approach wild animals which was angering. We’ve encroached into their space, we need to respect these animals – let them be wild and maintain that distance from them. Putting yourself, your children is not the wisest thing to do.
Have I made the mistake of leaving food at a campsite in Ontario? Yes. And a hungry raccoon did have a feast with my cereal. I did learn from this moment. You’re told to leave your food in vehicles or string them up high on a tree. Depending where you are, you may need a hard-sided sleeping quarters like an RV because a tent may still put you at risk with a bear.
While hiking in Ontario, I’ve learnt you need to be continuously making noise to not surprise a bear…as this can result in a difficult interaction. I’ve had friends bring bells with them. I’ve typically spoke loudly or brought a bluetooth speaker to make bears aware that we are nearby. Within Banff/Jasper, you will encounter a grizzly bear which is a different story and you will require bear spray. Attacks are rare but they still do occur. Some parks have been known to shut down to allow for bears to …just exist… in that space.
It’s funny though – as a kid – I was still scared that the bears would get to me in the middle of the night in a tent, so I’d sleep between my parents so that they wouldn’t get me…. kid Natalie logic.
Camping with my dog was such a fun time. Having him cuddle up in the middle of the night in the sleeping bag… it was his only time he was allowed to sleep on a bed. He was such a happy little dude.
Having a canoe while camping is a must in Ontario – rentals are a good option.
There are still many provincial parks and national parks I’d like to explore. Will have to plan that for another time.
I’ve reflected on how much my parents influenced my driving with theirs and how they speak behind the wheel. My dad would drive impaired when he’d have a couple of beers. I’ve noticed it while on the highway the car would swerve a certain way. Got kind of uncomfortable. He would also have a drinking space in Etobicoke where his friends used to have a business and I’d sometimes cycle on a bike nearby. He was the primary driver until he went down to Florida for work. That’s when my mom ended up being the driver.
My mom drove primarily on roads – highways scared the crap out of her. She only started driving on highways when she had to pick me up from camp in London. Her driving wasn’t terrible. It did feel a bit jerky and maybe more jerky over the years. She did get frustrated with drivers on the road and make comments – like how is this person driving, or why aren’t they using their blinkers or how an older couple would go for a drive down Bloor Street West on a date and drove super slow. She really didn’t get into at faults accidents – they were mostly someone hitting her. I think she only recently got more spatially impacted in very narrow areas.
Reason I bring up my parents – I think there’s some psychology around how you also internalize comments they make. Like – oh this driver is trying to “show you” …that you’re a female and that’s why they’re being an asshole on the road towards you. I think some of these comments do stick around sometimes.
As Pedestrians
I don’t think I thought too much about drivers as a kid. Though, I’ve apparently made comments about drivers in Olsztyn, Poland almost driving us off the crosswalk… but I was 6. Barely remember this. I think I became more rigid as a pedestrian when I was a pedestrian in university and walking from Union Station to RyeHigh. Downtown motorists nearly running you over as you walk through an intersection and you scold them with a death stare LOL. Or when they’re turning right and cut you off as a pedestrian. Kind of annoying. You learn to adjust your crossing through crosswalk when the countdown is at 6… or 10, depending on how big the intersection is. If it’s less than 6 or 10 seconds… the risk of crossing and making it across in a timely manner is reduced. Looking at some of the crosswalks – they all have varying timers on them. They’re not consistent in the city. (RANDOM THOUGHT – I remember waking up in the middle of the night in my High Park apartment with those big ass floor to ceiling windows and seeing a crosswalk in the distance… always counted how long that light was green for LOL… am I autistic or what?).
Ukraine was a terrifying place to walk as a pedestrian. I’ve joked with my friend that you need confidence to cross as a pedestrian otherwise drivers won’t let you cross. I’ve had some BMW driver in Kyiv not let me cross (despite having a crosswalk light; I can’t remember the exact intersection now). Lviv – also not comfortable but the streets are a bit more narrower. Feels like you’ve got different variables between the two cities. Ukraine also has a high pedestrian fatality – like it’s HUGE. Remember seeing a stat sometime around 2014-2015. I’d have to dig a little more on the stats and how they’ve changed over the last 10 years. I can attest to the driving. Having a Lviv “Uber” trying to get us to the airport and driving 100km/h in a 50km/h, passing through a zebra crossing was terrifying. Cramming 7 people into a car with 5 seats was not the brightest idea. You can see the aggressive driving in other parts like the Carpathians where people think they can speed through not realizing the pot holes will ruin their car.
Walking in Ireland – I felt pretty safe as a pedestrian. I don’t think there was anything outstanding in comparison to Toronto, Vancouver or Calgary.
Portugal was a bit terrifying with the narrow roads and tiled roads/sidewalks – those got slick when it rained – I think it depended where. The older parts of the city were scary and you could see that pedestrians were surprised that I gave them the right of way to cross. It’s very car first.
New York felt like Toronto. Pedestrians would cross at red lights if no vehicles were present. Nothing too outstanding in my opinion. It was very walkable. You could take the subway anywhere and walk. Using Google Maps was so easy to navigate through the city to the point where I was giving other tourists directions.
Plano – the odd set up of sidewalks made this awkward to cross. Some sidewalks just ended. I didn’t have the chance to walk too much in Plano but the small area I did, it didn’t quite make sense to me. The heat made it harder to walk around and you ended up sweating buckets LOL.
Tulsa – It’s walkable but you don’t see people walking. If you need to get to far distances, you need a car. Getting from the hotel to the office, needed a car. Walking there made no sense; it would’ve taken 30-45mins to get there. There wouldn’t have been much to see in the area.
Mississauga – it’s got sidewalks but is it a pleasant walk? Not overly. Depending on the neighbourhood. Did I walk to school? No. It was too suburbish and boring. You could have a stroll through Clarkson, Port Credit, Streetsville, but they’re kind of like BIAs like Bloor West Village or the Danforth where there are shops you can see. Mississauga’s Downtown isn’t really a downtown in a traditional sense. It’s a bunch of condos, city hall and a mall. Others would argue that’s not downtown but rather Applewood would be downtown. I don’t think so. I’d equate where city hall is present is where “downtown” is. It’s a very car centric city and with the new transit system being rolled out – it wouldn’t make it any more walkable like NYC.
Montreal felt like there were moments where it was faster to walk rather than take the subway. I’ve always tried to find a parking garage, hunker down there and walk to places. It didn’t feel unsafe as a pedestrian in Old Montreal, Little Burgundy, dt Montreal. Laval is not a walkable city – you need a car in this city. I didn’t take the subway much in these two cities since I primarily stayed in Old Montreal and the vicinity. Just took it once for the heck of it.
As a Cyclist
As a kid, I was a chill cyclist. Something switched when I was a teenager. I don’t know if it was trauma or what. Cycling was my outlet to get out this anger. I cycled in very industrial areas of Clarkson, pedalled super aggressively at times and got angry at truck drivers for cutting me off. I was lucky I had respectful drivers in Oakville respecting distance between them and I. I typically felt safe in Oakville on the road with exception to two situations where a Mercedes tried parallel parking into me in dt Oakville (front first) and teenagers yelling something at me while I cycled and nearly got me to crash from being startled. It was funny because I was cycling on this heavy mountain bike. So much energy output to get speed. I had made this goal of doing 20km – Oakville harbour and back in about an hour. Other times I’d push myself further – created these mini goals. Cycling to Port Credit was a shorter distance but also enjoyable. Had some instances where drivers here did not respect the distance between them and I and this resulted in conflict. Having the hills between these neighbourhoods was an interesting added factor where you gotta work harder. I did manage to cycle all the way to Cherry Beach and back… first time I didn’t plan well and was starving haha. So about 72km round trip. Did this a couple of times. It was a nice goal that I achieved. I ended up getting a road bike and kind of messed it off right off the batt when I installed the front wheel wrong (you can pop it off for storage). The wheel didn’t get on properly and resulted in it grinding against the carbon fibre… which made me a tad nervous about using in the future in case it failed. It’s a nice Felt lightweight bike. I did crash it cycling on the Martin Goodman Trail when I didn’t check my blindspots trying to get off the trail and crashed into another cyclist. Switching environments where I was a single cyclist in Oakville and not worrying about others passing you while listening to music to a multiuse trail and you need to look out for everyone around you, have your head on a swivel. In recent years, it has felt comfortable cycling in Toronto. I don’t think I felt like I was at risk of someone hitting me. I know my mom had two scenarios where someone turning right didn’t check their blindspot and she ended up on the car’s front hood. There are some blindspots in the bike lanes that are terrifying. I will say when I was dysregulated cycling through Queen Street West – I did not care about my safety at that moment and that was a different story; there were moments where I could have died. Using other recreational trails in Toronto are fun though I remember seeing an incident where cyclists collided and they needed to bring in an ambulance down to the Humber Trail…. that was a bit scary because you do have blindspots and if people do rip through there, the injuries can be serious. Relief from hot days and fuel is super critical, otherwise accidents can happen on bikes. Depending where you’re located you need to plan how to get back home if you can’t cycle back or to the nearest hospital. We ended up taking the GO Train and I did some cycling to get my car to pick up my partner from the train station. Had this happened on our way to Niagara, we would need to do some quick thinking on how to get help. Bike maintenance – this is something others also need to consider and what to do in the event of a flat tire.
As a Driver
My driving wasn’t always so pedantic and aggressive. I don’t know how it really started. I was chill at first. I’d let people do a lane change that took longer than usual. I’m not sure if it was because there were less drivers?
I went through driving school and had my uncle teach me how to parallel park. I had another separate driving lesson before my full drivers license because I delayed my graduated driver’s license.
Something clicked while waiting at lights at intersections. At some point I was on the edge of my seat waiting for the light to turn green and had to immediately go. I’m not sure why that was. If it was fear of someone honking at me?
Driving to Guelph and KW, it felt like I had kind of a freedom in a sense? I’m not sure why it was. Felt different. I’m not sure if I was less lax with my driving?
Getting my own car and driving at work. I can’t remember too much about how my driving changed around this time. I remember driving to Buffalo with family and my driving was pretty aggressive – my aunt was concerned about being too close to the car in front of me. I remember refusing to take 407 to avoid added costs on travel but eventually taking it because the 401 was so frustrating to take. The wild thing is that driving on the 407, you hit 120km/h and people are still going faster than 140km/h. (I was taught that if the speed is 100km/h, you don’t exceed 120km/h; if it’s less than 90km/h, you don’t go faster than 10km/h over… over the years that 120km/h has pushed towards 130km/h and 140km/h by others… I’ve tried not to exceed 120km/h).
I think there was also some influence from managers during drives with them making comments about other drivers.
I did learn that my car couldn’t handle snow whatsoever. It was light and all season tires did nothing. The Kia Soul needed winter tires no matter what. When it has winter tires… it does pretty well. When you have them on too long closer to May and the road does get warm, trying to brake with them is very hard. There was a moment on the 401 where cars came to a halt in the middle lane and I couldn’t make it in time with braking and had to change lanes to the left lane (luckily it was empty because it was closed off behind). Moral of the story – make sure you don’t keep your winter tires on longer than necessary – they won’t have the ability to stop in time.
There were moments on the 401 where if you kept moving (without the need to brake) you could get your fuel economy down to 6.5L/100km (which was impressive).
Driving on the 427 with the white concrete road in rainy conditions made it super hard to see the lanes. Luckily they have since changed this. Another issue that I wish they could correct is making sure that lanes are reflective. They’re very hard to see in the dark and rainy conditions.
There was an individual that started playing chicken with me on the road attempting to hit my vehicle – a white dodge minivan. Following this incident, I put up a dash cam.
I adjusted my driving since there was a moment where everything was tiring with the stop and go traffic. I kind of turned it into a game of try not to brake with the stop and go traffic. I had 8am projects downtown, so I’d maintain a distance from the car in front of me and gauge how much gas to add.
I think back to a time I drove back from Killarney with my best friend – we were tired and got to the outskirts of Barrie. Drivers would drive in the stop and go traffic and drive very close to the car in front of them. My tired brain couldn’t comprehend why and I remember commenting about this out loud and saying there’s no way I’m going to drive so close. But in that moment it felt like I had to mimic them or that it was the expected thing to do because everyone drove like this… but being that tired… made no sense because my reaction time was waaaaay off.
I remember there were moments where I’d get pissed off at drivers for driving stupidly – I had my uncle say to chill, there’s no point in getting pissed at others on the road.
I remember at one point I yelled at someone for not having their lights on in the dark. Like it was rigidity around that. How are people going to see you?
Driving in zombie mode and having that game of trying to not use my brakes was kind of what worked for me in that time.
When I switched cars to the Terrain – again not sure exactly what changed.
There were moments where I’d be rigid and compliant but when I see someone breaking the law or acting stupid, I’d get pissed off.
Seeing people speed on my street pissed me off a lot. Getting honked for braking because a child jumped onto the street was a massive piss off… how dare I brake for a child or go the speed limit of 30km/h. I should be speeding in a school neighbourhood. I drove through a street with a speed limit of 40km/h and a pedestrian proceeded to cross immediately. I barely was able to stop – I could have hit him. You have less reaction time the faster you go and the injury can be much more significant when going faster. The ironic thing is that I did drive faster on this street before I moved here, but this was when I was dysregulated.
Being in 2018 Alberta – I never felt so relaxed driving. I think it’s because everyone was so compliant with not speeding. It was the most relaxed driving I’ve ever had. I really enjoyed driving there. In recent years, it has felt a bit more aggressive unfortunately.
I get stupidly annoyed when people would use the right lane to pass on roads like Bloor Street when vehicles are not turning. They force themselves into your lane because of parked cars… and get mad at you for not allowing them to merge into you when really their lane is ending.
I’ll just end this here cause I can’t quite think further of how messed up driving has been for me. I’ll just end with – when things got shitty, I’d come home and say I’m done with driving today.
AuDN4T 